A roof is a house hat.
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Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.