“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
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I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
This guy’s not having it 😆
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it