A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
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[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him