A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

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A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”


I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back


How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are


10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.


Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink


ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses


[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for



– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into


Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too


Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.