@causticbob

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

You Might Also Like

@jakob_huber

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

@Holy_Mowgli

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

@McKelvie

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

@Dad_At_Law

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

@joejwest

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

@liltiddygothgf3

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

@iwearaonesie

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

@brennadine

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

@CruisinSoozan

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.