@joegoats Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
@UncleDuke1969 A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
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@joegoats 
@thefishpants If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
@sirivan Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
@surrealvehicle SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
@Laser_Cat There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
@bobvulfov 2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
@stevevsninjas Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
@TheSharona06 Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
@cloudypianos people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
@pauleggleston ‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’