A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
philosophical skeletons be like
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down