A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

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[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?


I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.


1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.


“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.


I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.


Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested



Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?


My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with


This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.