A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
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My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
mood
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.