A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck