A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
You Might Also Like
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.