A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone