A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
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[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.