A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
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To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q