a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
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We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.