A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
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Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
This kinda thing happens to me often
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.