A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
You Might Also Like
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.