a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
You Might Also Like
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.