a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

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Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.


If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths


Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.


Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.


Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’


This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet


For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.


[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]


COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately