@ch000ch

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

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@C_Effin_Rex

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

@fatherofcomedy

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

@Arroia

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

@TheTweetOfGod

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

@LlamaInaTux

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

@DirtMcTurd

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

@stuartrutten

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

@OllyiConic

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately