A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
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Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.