@serendipitydon1 A roof is a house hat.
@dom_dot_dom A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
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@serendipitydon1 
@daemonic3 Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
@Aikiwomannc Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
@Quartzjixler “I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
@djdarrellripley After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
@bitemynoodle Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
@Carbosly Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
@TheIronSherk [Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
@robcham Still laughing at this stupid meme
@SSparklesDaily Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.