@dom_dot_dom

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

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@daemonic3

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

@Aikiwomannc

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

@Quartzjixler

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

@djdarrellripley

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

@bitemynoodle

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

@Carbosly

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

@TheIronSherk

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

@SSparklesDaily

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.