A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Cartman: Respect my
a a
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”