A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
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boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
just pretend nothing happened
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100