[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
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I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.