@KeetPotato

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

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@TwatyTweets

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

@AimeeHelene1

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

@TheThryll

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

@thedad

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

@POTerritory

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

@online_shawn

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

@IDontSpeakWhine

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.