My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
You Might Also Like
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.