A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
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There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.