A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
me irl
Who wants to be my Valentine?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”