A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.