*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Dolls on drugs
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I love it all