A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
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FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”