A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
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Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.