A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
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“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.