A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
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I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
twitter is a journey
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.