A short story of betrayal:
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Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Seductively sings in Klingon.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.