A Short Story.
You Might Also Like
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
#SuperBowl
SCARY COSTUME
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting