A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
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If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex