A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
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The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
philosophical skeletons be like
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
FRED: right
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower