A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.