A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
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I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
no one ever comes back
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles