A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
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ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
This pepper has seen some shit
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”