A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
