A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
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I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
No chill.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili