@TheToddWilliams

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

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@Jeffwni

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

@chuuew

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

@DaddyJew

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

@ozzyunc

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

@JJSummertime

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

@Social_Mime

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

@GoldenSpirals

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.