A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
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Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
This is so me 😂😂
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Isn’t
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.