A small tragedy.
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CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,