A small tragedy.
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“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.