A small tragedy.
You Might Also Like
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.