A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
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*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me