A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?