A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!