A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
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Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
3% human
97% stress
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic