A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
You Might Also Like
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I need better friends
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars