A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
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Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
What about a To-Don’t List?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?