A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
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Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Is this you?