a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
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me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!