A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
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Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame