A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
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Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Guantanamo Bae
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE