A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
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Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
this makes me so uncomfortable