A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?