A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
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Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”